Saturday, May 15, 2010
When you set a challenge for yourself there are bound to be difficulties. Otherwise it would not be much of a challenge. Running a marathon isn't the best thing for your body, but if the goal of running a marathon makes you exercise every day and get in shape and feel good about yourself - then maybe the marathon is a good idea. You aren't going to feel good about yourself every single day on the way to the marathon, and you may not feel so red hot at about mile 15, but you're looking at a bigger picture. It's worth the shin splints and achy joints that may plague you along the way. You find a way to make it all work.
Sometimes I ask myself (especially on a Saturday morning) what the heck I'm doing up at 4:45 in the morning. What is the point? There are a lot of mornings when I'm so generally overtired that it's hard to feel clear-headed enough to write. Naps help, but I can't always sleep on command, and even when I do sleep in the daytime I end up feeling off kilter in the cycle of waking and sleeping. I am boring in the evenings, usually unable even to get through a whole movie if it starts after 8:00. Prudence and wisdom say that this is silly - I should just sleep in for a few mornings and get caught up. Rejoin the normal world.
But this is my marathon. Somehow I feel that if I can achieve this goal of a full year of sunrise outings and writings, it will stand as proof for something in my own doubtful and questioning mind. I really can do anything if I set my mind to it. There is a way to make things work, even when they're hard. I can write even when my head is dulled. The sense of accomplishment will buoy me up for a long time, not to mention the useful habit of self-discipline. I'd like to finish what I've started.
Plus - I have fallen completely in love with the world outdoors, especially the one in my own back yard. That is worth something.
So - to my family (especially my immediate household) I express my sincerest gratitude for your indulgence and your patience and your loving support. I couldn't do this without you. More to the point, I wouldn't do this without you. You give me the sense of worth and the inspiration I need to push through something so self-focused and maybe a bit foolish.
I'll do my best not to be too useless, to be present for you guys, and to be around once in a while between 8 and 11 pm when all the fun is going on. The next two months will be the hardest part - from May 23rd until July 10th the sun and I will rise before 5am. But I'll find ways to make it work.
For starters on this rain-drizzled Saturday morning, I think I'll go back to bed.