comings and goings

sunrise:  6:30

Three of my four were on the road yesterday.  T. was feeling the thrill of independence off on a road trip with a friend (to visit sister N.), and A. and S. came home for two nights with boyfriend and girlfriend.  It was strange at 9:00 last night when I had a fleeting thought, wondering when T. was going to get home, then realized she wasn't.  Only a brief moment before lots of company arrived, but a taste of that approaching time when there won't be any child imminently arriving every day.  Hmmm.

There is also that sense of what is to come - our family is branching out to include more people, to enfold and become other families.  Networks evolving, connections expanding.  Wonderful and wistful.

Since menopause has worked me over, one upside is that I don't have the mood swings that I once did, but they aren't gone.  My "inner core," both physiologic and psychologic, have seen much improvement, but they have both taken a little vacation from strength in the last few days.

What is it, I wonder, that makes us feel on some days that nothing is quite right? Self-confidence dives, motivation ebbs, futility and sadness creep in with no apparent explanation. All you can do, really, is ride out the wave. One nice thing about getting older is familiarity with the crests and gullies of mood waves, and the assurance, even at the lowest, that this too shall pass. Still, it's not fun.

Lying in bed this morning, I had a moment of doubt.  Why am I doing this again?  I'm tired.  I've already seen lots of sunrises.

Then I heard the birds singing, and their voices were muted through the walls of the house.  I really do like to be outside where I can be in their presence, even if I can't find them in the trees.  So off I went, and it was a beautiful morning.  There is a feeling of softening in the air.  I know winter's not gone, but spring sensory messages are coming through.  It was a lovely morning.

So -- I'm married to a 50 year old man.  So strange.  I can remember what 50 felt like to me when I was in my teens, or 20's.  It was OLD.  I do not feel anything like that image that I had in my younger days.  I think 50 year olds must be much younger today than they used to be.  Ha!







Happy birthday J!  May the second half of your first century be even better than the first.