I tiptoed out of my bedroom this morning, as is my habit. Grabbed my things and sneaked out, so as not to disturb J. I went downstairs, stepped outside, and there he was, walking in from work!
It's not the first time this has happened, and it's always disconcerting and a little embarrassing. A doctor on call keeps odd and unpredictable hours, and I guess I've grown accustomed to tuning out the phone calls and the arrivals and departures. My bedroom could be a train station and I'd just sleep right through.
I assume (I hope) that if something were ever really important, some aspect of my subconscious would know the difference. I certainly awoke easily to baby cries and wheezing children back in the day. I suppose I was perpetually on call during those days. I realize how fatiguing that kind of enforced alertness is. Sometimes I worry about my dear life companion, age 50, still having to push his body to some extremes of fatigue on a regular basis.
In the last month I've noticed a difference in my general state of being. It gives me a reminder, and perhaps just a taste of insight into what J. feels most of the time. For the last few years, whatever other stresses may have been upon me, I have almost always been rested. On a fairly regular basis, I could sleep until I awoke naturally. Nothing hung over my head, creating that internal alarm clock that prevents you from really falling deeply asleep - test the next day, plane to catch, sick child, deadline to meet, Christmas morning.
My sunrise outings are self-imposed, but I am thoroughly committed to keeping up with the challenge. They are enriching me in a lot of ways, and I do not want to slip. I also have a new set of pressing jobs to do which pull on my subconscious. Obviously they don't keep me from deep sleep, since I am oblivious to the traffic flow in my bedroom (don't quote me on that). But I no longer sleep unfettered by an impending alarm, barring the occasional nap. My body's rhythms are overridden.
What I have learned is: 1. I am able to function reasonably well on much less sleep than I thought I could. 2. I am generally NOT rested. 3. Not rested isn't the end of the world, but there is a limit.
"Not rested" is a particular state of being. It can work with full productivity for a while. It can even be dynamic and exciting up to a point. If it gets too far along, however, it affects your whole outlook on life in a detrimental way. Many people spend months in this state, I think, and it's no wonder if they get feeling negative, or at least apathetic about the daily grind. Physical ailments often ensue as well. I think it's crucial to recognize that tipping point when functionality and quality of life both go downhill. When the drawbacks outweigh the benefits, then it's time to get some rest.
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...and we both got to say our good-byes to Heidi and Pepper.
Is Heidi kissing you goodbye? How did you get her to do that? So sorry we missed them by 5 minutes, according to T. I forgot until I got half way up our street.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter was bummed. She will love to see this picture in the morning, though. Thanks for posting them.
Goodbye goaties!
ReplyDeleteNoooooo!!
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